Estrangement: Let Them & Let Me

Reading Mel Robbin’s book, Let Them, inspired me to reflect on estrangement. Estrangement is a profound and often painful experience, a silent narrative woven into the fabric of many lives. It's the severing of ties, a deliberate or emergent distance from those once close – family or friends. This isn't merely a physical separation, but an emotional and relational one, where connection fades, and silence often replaces shared history. Understanding and navigating this complex terrain requires a deep dive into its nature, its causes, its impact, and ultimately, the path toward personal peace.

Estrangement isn't a monolithic experience; it varies in its form and intensity. It can be anywhere from complete or limited interactions to emotional distance where, even with regular contact, there’s a significant lack of intimacy, understanding, or reciprocal support.

Because we can’t control another person, we need to “let them”. This gives us some space, some relief, but eventually we need to move forward, and, as Mel Robbins says, “let me”.

More later about "let me" which I think is the best part of this article!

The reasons for estrangement are deeply personal and varied. They can include:

• Differing Values and Beliefs: Unfortunately, significant shifts in worldview, lifestyle choices, or core values can create irreconcilable differences. In today’s world many rifts occur because of even minor opinions differing. Something to look at here is where is my heart? Where is their heart? Examine whether or not different values exist but the end goal might be the same.

• Abuse or Trauma: Physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse can necessitate a break for self-preservation.

• Unresolved Conflicts: Long-standing disagreements, resentments, or betrayals that have never been adequately addressed.

• Mental Health Challenges: Untreated mental health issues in one or more parties can severely strain relationships.

• Addiction: The destructive nature of addiction often leads to estrangement as others seek to protect themselves.

• Boundary Violations: A consistent disregard for personal boundaries can erode trust and lead to a desire for distance.

• Inheritance or Financial Disputes: Money can be a powerful wedge, tearing apart even the strongest bonds.

• Disappointment or Perceived Betrayal: Feelings of being let down or betrayed can shatter the foundation of a relationship.

The Emotional Landscape of Estrangement

The decision or reality of estrangement brings with it a complex emotional toll:

• Grief: There is a real sense of loss, mourning not just the relationship as it was, but also the potential for what it could have been.

• Guilt and Shame: Societal norms often emphasize family cohesion, leading to feelings of guilt or shame for those who are estranged.

• Sadness and Loneliness: The absence of once-significant connections can leave a profound void.

• Anger and Resentment: Towards the estranged individual, oneself, or the circumstances that led to the split.

• Confusion: A struggle to understand the "why" and "how" of the estrangement.

• Relief: In some cases, particularly where the relationship was toxic, abusive, or characterized by worry, estrangement can bring a profound sense of peace and liberation.

"Let Them & Then Let Me": A Path to Healing and Peace

This phrase, "Let Them & Then Let Me," encapsulates a powerful two-fold approach to healing and moving forward despite estrangement:

1. "Let Them": Releasing Control and Accepting

This first part is about acknowledging what is outside of your control and releasing the need to change or fix the other person or the situation.

• Let Them Be Who They Are: You cannot force someone to be different, to apologize, or to see your perspective. Accept them where they are, even if it's far from where you wish they were.

• Let Them Make Their Choices: Their choices, even those that hurt you, are theirs to make. Trying to manipulate or control their decisions will only lead to further frustration and pain for you. We all have the same Divine Source; each of us has our own path.

• Let Go of the Narrative You Wanted: Often, we cling to an idealized version of the relationship. "Letting them" involves grieving that desired narrative and accepting the reality of the situation.

• Release the Illusion of Control: Excessive worry about "what could go wrong" in relationships can stem from a desire for control. Recognize that life, and relationships, are inherently unpredictable. You cannot control every variable. Releasing this pursuit of safety and control through worry can be incredibly liberating.

2. "Then Let Me": Prioritizing Your Well-being and Healing

Once you've released what you cannot control, the focus shifts inward – to your own healing, growth, and well-being. This is an active practice of faith and surrender, trusting that a larger intelligence is at play for your highest good.

• Let Me Grieve: Allow yourself to fully process the emotions associated with the loss. This includes the sadness, anger, and confusion. Don't bypass your emotions.

• Let Me Set Boundaries: Whether it’s complete no-contact or carefully managed limited contact, establish and fiercely protect boundaries that serve your emotional and mental health. This is a vital act of self-love and self-preservation.

• Let Me Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Remember that your imperfections, including past struggles, can make you uniquely empathetic and equipped to navigate challenges. Your worth is not defined by external relationships.

• Let Me Seek Support: You don't have to carry this burden alone.

  • Therapy: A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space to process emotions, understand dynamics, and develop coping strategies.

  • Support Groups: Connecting with others who share similar experiences can offer validation and a sense of community.

  • Trusted Friends: Lean on those who offer non-judgmental understanding.

• Let Me Focus on What I Can Control: Redirect your focus to your own actions, your healing journey, and your self-care.

• Let Me Redefine "Family" and "Connection": If traditional ties are broken, create a "chosen family" of supportive friends, mentors, and community members who offer the love and connection you need.

• Let Me Grow: Estrangement, though painful, can be a catalyst for profound personal growth and spiritual awakening. It can lead to a deeper alignment with your authentic self, even if it means feeling out of sync with past relationships.

• Let Me Forgive: This doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is a process of releasing the burden of anger and resentment for your own peace of mind. It's about letting go of the expectation that the other person should have been different.

• Let Me Affirm and Trust: Cultivate a perspective of affirmation and trust, believing that "The Universe truly gives us what we need at the time for the most beneficent outcome." This reduces anxiety and opens doors to unexpected blessings.

Estrangement is a challenging chapter, but it doesn't have to define your entire story. By embracing the principles of "Let Them & Then Let Me," you can navigate this difficult terrain with greater peace, purpose, and ultimately, forge a life filled with authentic connection and well-being.